We are all made of stars

I have a fantasy where I don't need to delete 2 applications from my circa '97 mac every time I want to download an mp3.


Neil gives really good hugs.



My friend Beth just introduced me to the moth it is so cool.


I have this other fantasy where Neil and I buy a house and then buy a record player. And then play records. Like I listened to a Christian McBride story on the moth and now I want to buy a house + record player + Freddy Hubbard record.
So cool.
OK I totally gotta go because Dancing With the Stars is halfway over.
Goodbye.

Mrs.

Tonight it's ritards, or, more specifically, ritardando. Abby, right after I posted last week I stopped hearing irritating bridges. But I will write down the song name next time it happens.
Tonight it's the song that goes "love, love, love, love ... crazy love" on this Irish singers compilation I have on repeat. Like, a song is really bad and then they do this grand ritard for the 11th repetition of the chorus. Anyone?
In other news, I rearranged the front room and it is more nice and more cozier. I am doing the exact same thing I was doing last week -- fighting with Netbeans -- only the program looks better now and I learned how to avoid the "anchors," which is basically when the application thinks things should look a certain way and you say, "No, I actually want that button over here," and the software says, "Ok, yeah ... I can see that you want it over there but I'm going to keep it here and also completely reorganize everything that you just spent 2 hours arranging."
Neil is good. My car has a mysterious ailment that is very scary-sounding and prefers not to show itself to anyone except me. Which is why I drove to Tucson Car Care today, emergency lights on, hoping the car wouldn't blow up before I got there, and then drove around Tucson for 30 minutes today with a mechanic explaining that, no, it wasn't the CD player I'd heard.
Yesterday in yoga I was listening to meditative singing and thinking about how when you're really open and listen to certain types of music it sounds like an environment for the spirit to move through. And then I was thinking about Heaven, and how one conception of it is a sort of space for the spirit, and I was thinking about the music -- like, the vibe -- in Heaven and then it seemed like, wait, the spirit doesn't get born when you die -- it's here right now. So what kind of space is my spirit in right now. And the music was so cool and it made sense in a way, that, like, the spirit's environment can shift, so the "music" of it would maybe be a little more complex or a little more bucolic, depending. And if I am to follow that line of thinking, then all the time my spirit has its own environment, which is different from this living room and different from my brain. With some kind of music playing and some kind of mood. And I can tune into it whenever I want.
The concept of environment is very interesting this week. What do you[s] think?

too much caffeine in my bloodstream

Tonight "Take the Long Way Home" sounds especially cool. Supertramp, I think. Maybe I'll listen to it tomorrow, as a palliative measure. Because heaven knows it ain't going to fix my compiler. Speaking of, lately I have been really peevish about bridges in bad songs. Like, I'll be driving to work and listening to the radio, maybe tolerating some lame song because it hasn't fully entered my consciousness that a lame song has come on and needs to be changed, and then the song will go into the bridge and I'll be gripped with indignation. REALLY? This song was so boring and lame and they're giving it a BRIDGE? That is 5x as boring and lame as the rest of the song? I don't know why, but this has struck me lately as such ridiculous insolence.

Lately I have been thinking about braised pears. I'd like to make them ... sometime soon. Also, I wonder if HealthSouth will give away turkeys this year.

I am wearing SPF40 and haven't been outside today

Edit: Didn't go outside today. Because now it's night, so "haven't" implies that I still could. And also, technically, I did go outside today, although it was to get laundry out of the dryer and so was under cover of the patio awning. My friend Beth just texted me "yoga?", which is a really good idea. So I'd better make this short. I think I wanted to say ... that yesterday I realized you could sing Stevie Wonder's "Part-Time Lover" and Hall & Oates' "Maneater" simultaneously. And also "NetBeans," the awesome-and-cutting-edge-yet-imperfect application I'm working in, would sound really good if substituted for "Head Games" in the Foreigner song called Head Games. And also ... no, I totally forget. Hi. Bye. And also I am unable to upload my picture of Paris.

A Day of Rest, even though it's Saturday

My dad said today is a day of rest. I am sitting on the porch. In front of me, on the other side of the screen, the sprinkler is sprinkling daisies and sunflowers and some pink flower and tall green stalks. Butterflies, monarchs and otherwise, are busy amid the flowers. Wow, there's this one butterfly that's bigger than the hummingbird that just passed by. I sort of was under the impression that hummingbirds didn't live outside of the southwest. The air is alternately filled with swells of insects and birds, like finches. And sometimes cardinals stop by.

My dad is drawing a few yards away, inside. He's listening to the shuffle Eliza gave to him a while back ("Tell Eliza I'm going to glue this to my ears"), and he just gave me 1 phone for a sec so I could hear a Joni Mitchell song. Which reminded me of a recent conversation I had with Matt and then Ryan and Jessica.

What 5 singers have had the most influence on your life?

My answers, in no particular order:

1. REM
2. Suzanne Vega
3. Paul Simon
4. They Might Be Giants
5. I can't remember. Kate Bush? The Smiths? I remember that it was good and true, but I can't remember what it was. Matt or Ryan or Jessica, if you are reading this and you can remember, please inform.

And also:

What 5 albums THAT WERE NOT RECORDED BY ANYONE IN YOUR MOST INFLUENTIAL MUSICIANS LIST have had the most influence in your life?

My answers, INPO:

1. Clouds - Joni Mitchell
2. Doolittle - Pixies
3. Substance - New Order
4. In My Tribe - 10,000 Maniacs
5. Outlandos D'Amour - Police

That's, of course, given that Kate Bush and The Smiths are both on the previous list. ... I think Thriller is also supposed to be on the album list, maybe edging out In My Tribe. This is getting really confusing.

So, whoever is reading this, please submit your top 5 + 5, if you wish.

Being away for 8 weeks is interesting. It takes, I don't know, 2 weeks to have a New Experience? Like, maybe you are thinking about something today. And tomorrow you can think about it and the next day you can think about it and it still has essentially the same level of temporal relevance. But in two-ish weeks it will be what you were thinking about two weeks ago. Because in two weeks you will be thinking about slightly different things, in a slightly different way. So 8 weeks is a long time.

When I first got here, life in Tucson pretty much seemed, in my brain, like it did when I was in Tucson. But now it's different. Life in Tucson has been sifted through, so when I think of it, I think of Neil and my friends and family (in Tucson/Phx, Phx) and the warmth and the LACK OF HUMIDITY and the Catalinas and Yoga Oasis and walking to the coffee shop and crickets and stuff. Tucson 7 weeks ago was all these things, plus stress from school and anxiety about the internship and anxiety about I have to stop at the dry cleaners and anxiety about I have to find time to take the car in, etc.

It's nice to be away for more than An Experience Unit so the reality of now can kind of be distilled. There are other pink flowers I didn't notice before, in the distance. They are more of a hot pink, and huge! Like pink butterflies.

Write back.

la vida loca

"In the midst of life we are in death, et cetera"

Last night I went out with friends it was fun.

In text messages I write in this telegraphic way and I noticed it's leaked into my emails. ... How will the next generation of children be composing letters I wonder?

Remember letters? Remember when mail used to come on Saturday? Wait, I am ahead of myself. Remember when we were thirtysomething ... I remember when I was 16 or 17 I would listen to songs like, "These are the days ..." or "Look at me, proud of being 17 ...", and I'd think, "Yeah, I am so in it, I am so there, so 16 and-a-half and loving it and it is really great and don't forget it because I feel really great."

Remember when we didn't know Ricky Martin was gay?

My friend and I were discussing last week how tired the observer-of-life trope is. Particularly in music lyrics. You know, like, everybody else is in it except me I am detached can I have some more gin please.

Bo-ring. Unless maybe if it's ironic.

I think, specifically, we were thinking of Jackson Browne, who is not really ironic.

But I like "Running on Empty."

I wonder if that show Thirtysomething would be any good today.

Today I read something about the Discovery Channel's Planet Earth and Life shows. I never watch the Discovery Channel but they look so cool I can see myself quieting down in this alternate universe and putting them on. Happy Easter.

thursday night

It might be fun to have a rock band called The Delicates.

"Dry Clean Only" could be the first hit single.

My left trapezius huuuuuuurts.

But I got a Tiger Balm patch that I may break out at work tomorrow.

Does anyone have any ideas for peace?

aspirations

I want to work in databases or informatics for genetic research.

I want to work in cancer research.

I want to work in international health, like documentation and sharing and collaboration and researching who does what with what with what resources. (Like in Atul Gawande's book "Better" -- is it always expensive surgical equipment that determines success, or are manual skill and a deep comprehension of the task sometimes underrated?)

And also, in international health, what diseases are seen more and less in what countries among what populations, and WHY?

I want to work in governmental research, like at a policy institute.

I would LOVE to be part of some project that would streamline the federal government so that we were putting tax dollars into systems that worked and returned in dividends, rather than endless bureaucracies. E.g., our educational system is atrocious.

So does anyone want to give me an internship this summer?

I have no work experience in CS whatsoever, but I have a lot of school learning and a great attitude and I will wash your car.

in tha house

I am briefly moved by the awesomeness of paul simon.

This week at work I almost fell over when a patient's family member complained that the reason the patient wasn't getting more coverage from AHCCCS was because AHCCCS is busy covering U.S.-born children of "wetbacks."

Maybe that language/logic flies in Michigan?

No offense.

I have been in a bad mood this week. I go to yoga and my backbends feel anchored by gravity. I want to be pulled up by the moon. Today was my first class. I like the energy coming from the professor. He runs. He runs marathons in Australia and Rome. He is roughly my age. Sarah's age. He said each week-long homework assignment will take a minimum of 20 hours. No late days. My brain felt like what just happened when I put half a cup of coffee in the microwave and (for the first time, since I only recently discovered the button) pressed "reheat." The coffee boiled over, perplexingly. I hurried home and threw myself into cleaning the spare room, goodwill bags at hand. I guess that's where the analogy ends: My brain wants All Clutter To Go Away -- it's distracting and wasteful and, arguably, pulls me down. Especially when I need to focus on algorithms. The coffee problem was solved with a couple of paper towels. Maybe the brain/coffee issue has a similar prevention tactic though, along the lines of know what you're getting into? No ... Don't collect dust? Ok, so there's no similarity.

Last night in yoga one of my favorite teachers said something to the effect of, If you're confused or feel lost or overwhelmed, just show up to where you're at.

perspective

java in c

I am listening to a cd with "yoga" music I like this song because it has the sound of a meandering stream and birds and soft little bells and stuff. I am learning c rather painstakingly I mean it's not that hard but it's also not java. But it's not that hard because I know java. But that's why it's painstaking ... because it's not java. Speaking of java, I am doing tomorrow's c assignment as a break from java. We have an assignment due Thursday that is an extendible directory and file of binary records. Except the directory points to the hashtable, which points to the file. And it changes dynamically. And somehow my array of DirectoryObjects, when they get in the range of 1,000,000, take up too much space. So I need to A. make them smaller, B. not make them if they're not used, or C. Convert my entire program to support a different data structure. I think A is improbable and C is the smartest solution. Therefore, I'll probably go with B. I took a bubble bath, which made me feel nice. And walked to the coffee shop. I like how neil prunes the houseplants. It reminds me of The Karate Kid. I am stressed out from school and whatever but that is just on the surface. Like how when you cut the mold off cheese the rest of it is fine. That was an inapt analogy, in part since cheese can get old and hard, irrespective of its mold status. I am happy. At Raging Sage I had a plum cake that was really good. Wish me luck on my c encryption code!

before & after

Thank you for your gracious help. Today there was a rainbow. Some chick was on npr singing "I remember you." As marian mcpartland noted, she got lost in the song.

haircut? votes?

the twelfth day

I am happy to rest this weekend.

This morning was moist. I realized that I would like to be on a ship with the ocean breeze on my face, doing yoga. Then, later, I realized that somewhere in my dreams last night somebody had named their child "Jordan Marsh." Queer. Then, later than that, it rained. I was at work. A number of us were excited. We none of us could remember the last time it rained. I feel another cold developing (apparently colds have parallel capabilities, since my last cold remains yet), but I am hoping it is a response to the change in air pressure and will ease off without attacking my tonsils.

It's kind of worth it, anyway. I am sick of being sick, but rain is cool. Last night I finished Pride and Prejudice (1995: 5 hours long in total) and I'm a little nervous. I mean, how do you follow Colin Firth? Neil is at the supermarket and hot toddy ingredients are on his list, so hopefully that will help me through this distressful period.

Plus I have a few versions of Sense and Sensibility, Mansfield Park and Emma that are as yet unseen ... but I am trying to pace myself. I was thinking the other day about how I wish somebody would make some really good adaptations of Edith Wharton novels (anything with Gillian Anderson does NOT qualify) ... and then, gradually, it occurred to me that it's OK that every single terrific book hasn't been adapted into at least three terrific movie versions ... because I can just READ the books.

It is revelations like these that remind me that returning to college in the fall may be a tad beyond my capabilities.

But that's late August. And now it's the weekend. And I just worked 12 days and if right now I just want to read The Nine and softly blow my nose and smile at Neil and whatever, that's OK.

And also, Sacha Baron Cohen is not funny.

Sunday Night

I worked today. After work I went home. I ran/walked 2 miles, which is far, far more exercise than I've had in the last 6 weeks.

When I got home I hurried to turn my heaving, red, sweaty self into something wedding-appropriate. Because I need to be at one in 60 minutes. Across town. And then I realized the toilet wasn't flushing. So, between combing my sticky, salty hair, slipping into a lbd, and attempting to mask the smell of sweat with secret solid, I poured bleach into the toilet bowl and, 10 minutes later, flushed.

Still didn't flush. Well. I did not have time for this and certainly would not have time for it getting ready for work tomorrow morning. I decided to deal with it when I got home from the wedding. And also, I knew I was hungry sort of and I knew I have a little problem with low blood sugar, so I put two frozen jelly donut holes in my mouth on the way out and gave myself a pat on the back.

In the car I called my landlord (who lives in the guesthouse) just to see if their toilet was having difficulties too. You know, is it my problem or a problem with the whole line? My landlord inquired as to what had happened when I plunged it.

Plunged it?

The moral of which is: Two donut holes are not enough.

Although, technically, I just got home and am sitting here in my lbd and have not plunged it. So maybe it won't work anyway. But it had better. At the wedding each guest got a little folded piece of paper with a live butterfly inside, to release after the vows were exchanged. I was worried. I let my butterfly out ahead of time but 20 minutes later it was still hobbling across the grass.

I miss Neil. Bye.

P.S. Do butterflies have hearts? Do caterpillars have hearts? Do caterpillars have like 15 hearts? I will investigate.

because the semester is almost over and I have time to think about things like this

Simplify. That is my favorite word this week. Yesterday before work I cleaned out the closet in the spare room. My objective is to give a large percentage of the non-crapola items in our house to Goodwill -- not because I am seized with charity, but because I want to have less. Stuff. So we're going to streamline.

Stuff clutters my brain. Maybe if I have less stuff I will have more room to remember how to implement combination without repetition when I am given a problem on my discrete math test (a skill I know but apparently which flew out the window when the test was before me Friday. I think my printer adapters circa 2001 and old magazines crowded it out).

So in coming days and weeks and months, I am going to focus on items and tasks that I like and that bring me peace. Items? ... Nothing, unless they are part of an enjoyed task. Tasks? Being with Neil, preferably with no electronic 3rd party, although a movie is OK ONCE in a while. Being with and communicating with family and friends. Reading. Eating good food. Moving around, which includes: walking, jogging, hiking and yoga. So that's pretty much it. Of course, there's other stuff I like, like my jobs and politics and programming, but I do those anyway.

It is 77 outside and gor-geous. And Thursday there's a 40% chance of rain, which is also awesome. Amye, call me because those tix to SLC are cheap and may go fast. Emily, are you coming home for Christmas? I'm going to go finish my ironing with Keith Jarrett. Both doors are open to this beautiful day. My mom made us delicious french toast and sausages this morning while we talked turkey. How many people think my dad should hire himself out to organize and decorate people's houses, including staging a house that's for sale? Actually, my mom probably would be great in real estate AND could bake really good cookies for open houses ... but I digress.

XO

rough draft

xcen > fr

xcen > fr

Wanna see something cool?

hearts

xcen > fr

xcen > fr

This weekend was so fun.

xcen > fr

xcen > fr

cola

Update: Make your preference known

Saturday the 14th

• Our hearts go out to the family and friends of Tim Russert. We are chagrined that he will miss the presidential election, and that we will miss his presence during the thick of it.

• We think Gwen Ifill and Andrea Mitchell ought to be on the Meet the Press short list, although David Gregory probably is first in line. I just saw online that someone is pushing for Sean Hannity, which is disturbing.

• 

• And also: I am almost done with a new Web site for my dad. I still have to add the ordering page, once I figure out how. Also a couple of the pictures look blurry, regardless of my tweaks, because the original photos are poor. But maybe I could put up the site, then change the images once I get new pics. Most of them are good, anyway.

• And: There is a women in computing conference in October for 4 days! And I might get to go! I have to write a 500-word essay on why I want to go and how it's going to make my community and the world a better place if I'm selected! My resume speaks to my utter lack of volunteer work/community service, which is bad, but I'm hoping my JOB sort of makes up for that. Any suggestions on my resume or essay would be greatly appreciated! Check it out: >Grace Hopper Celebration of Women in Computing. Grace Hopper got a Ph.D. in math in 1934 and was a designer of COBOL and a pioneer of the philosophy that programming could be written in quasi-English, rather than assembly language or machine code.

• "A ship in a harbor is safe, but that is not what a ship is built for." - attributed to Grace Hopper

• P.S. The new-ish blogspot formatting interface is nice, but it still doesn't make a whit of a difference in the final appearance. Which is time-consuming, frustrating and misleading. OK bye.